Knowing When It's Time to Move On

During the past month, four of my colleagues in various groups have announced that this will be their last gig / project / meeting with us; it's time to move on. It seems like a season for moving on, given that so many people are doing it. I've often done it myself; for me, after 3-5 years of doing almost any activity or job, boredom sets in and it's time to try something new.

 I've also struggled at times to figure out whether it was really time to leave or whether the restlessness was due to a fixable problem. And sometimes I've overstayed my productive time in a venture simply because there wasn't anything to move on to - at least, not something that would fill the specific hole in my life that the exit would create. Many of us do this.  A friend of mine never leaves her current writers' critique group until she's found a new one; it's that important to her.

 As I've listened to friends talk about their own stay-or-go dilemmas, it has struck me that all the instances share some similarities. It also seems to me that there are a few general guidelines to making a good decision that apply across the board, whether the thing we're leaving is a job, a volunteer duty, an extracurricular activity group, a circle of friends or just a one-to-one relationship.

Unless you've joined your group solely to pursue a certain activity, with no interest in building relationships, three simple questions can help you clarify whether to stay or go:

1. Am I growing in skill level, proficiency, or ability? For example, in musical terms the question could be Am I growing musically? Is my musicianship continuing to develop? A writer may ask herself Is this critique group still helping me become a better writer? If you can still pinpoint specific gains, it may not be time to leave yet.
2. Am I growing socially? For many of us, the things we do outside our paid work are often not only chances to develop skills and aspects of ourselves that don't get practiced on the job; they also provide chances to connect with others. Very few of the adults I know want to limit their lives to working at work and working at home. When most people invest heavily in an off-hours commitment such as PTSA, a church, a book group or yoga class, they're looking for companionship as well as activity . If the time you spend in your own group doesn't seem to be paying off in terms of allowing you to do your best work, but you just love getting together with everyone, it may be worth staying.
3. And perhaps the most important question - am I still having fun? So many people overlook this one, or consider it too selfish to be considered criteria for continuing an activity. However, if it's a "side dish," you're not obligated to keep it, even if you've been doing it forever / everyone in your family is a member / "they" expect it of you / you're indispensible. If it's become a chore or it feels like a joyless obligation, your work and relationships within the group will reflect this. Besides, do you really want to waste precious time on something you don't enjoy, if you have a choice?

You can apply these questions to solo pursuits as well (Should I take a break from writing for awhile? Do I want to stop painting and take up photography?) although the social aspect might not be as strong a factor.

These three questions have helped me evaluate certain involvements in the past. No decision is foolproof, but  asking specific questions makes a better decision likely.

And remember that almost no decision is irreversible. Groups for writers or artists are generally not as exclusive as, say, Harvard medical school.  If you leave your critique group but don't find another or realize you made a mistake, chances are good that you can work your way back in. Most of the time, you can go home again.

But sometimes you don't find out where Home is until you get moving.

Alone and Together: Striking a Balance

During the last four months, my husband has been out of town for weeks at a time, mostly to help care for his mother during a challenging time for the family. Whenever this happens, I take over the dining room table, spreading out projects and leaving works-in-progress laying around for days at a time. I get enormous amounts of creative work done during these times. However, I'm always happy when he arrives back home, partly because I've missed him but also because after a certain amount of solo work time I feel saturated. At that point it's time for a break, and the best type of break is a social one. This year all my various groups are either taking breaks themselves or are in limbo due to personal circumstances, so the usual social outlets aren't there...and the difference is noticeable.

Everyone has a unique ideal balance between solo creative time and communal exchange-of-ideas time. If you're engaged in any side venture that involves creative work (and this includes almost everything, not just the arts), it pays to find your own ideal. This may take some experimentation. In addition, if you have children under the age of 18 or are caring for a family member, you may already be struggling to carve out some solo time. And on top of that, if you have to work outside the home you probably already miss your family so often that whenever you're together, everything else falls by the wayside. Been there, done that.

However, it's still worth your while to experiment or play with creative project time. If you have young children, you could try to find a way for them to participate alongside you. Many of the visual arts and crafts lend themselves well to this. With older kids, striking a bargain ("I'll help you with your homework after I get in fifteen minutes of practice") often works. If you're married or partnered, set up regular solo times for both of you where your partner takes care of family matters while you get to work alone, and vice versa. For some excellent ideas on how to enlist family support, read Wishcraft by Barbara Sher, with special attention to the final chapter, "Don't do-it-yourself."

When you have a regularly scheduled time for solo work, you'll find it easier to respond to the stuff life throws your way without feeling cheated or rushed. The next step is to find or create a group of fellow artists, writers (or whatever) for mutual support. In the next post I'll offer suggestions on finding like-minded people who also see the need for group work.