There are two ways to view problems - or, in socially correct lingo, challenges. One way could be called "Yeah, but." The alternative way is "Yes, and." We all know about the first alternative. I learned about the second one during an Improv class I took nearly 5 years ago.
The class I took was offered through the local community college. It was called Improv for Theater and Life. It was the Life part that drew me in. At the time I was working as a substitute staff assistant in public schools as well as in customer service in the library system. Talk about needing improv skills; every work day I was flying by the seat of my pants, as the saying goes.
One of my favorite exercises was called Yes And. The first person makes a statement or starts a story. The next person picks up the thread with "Yes, and," then continues the train of thought. Often the trains went speeding off in strange & unpredictably wonderful directions. That was the point: when you say yes, results may be unpredictable but chances are, they'll be better than anything that would come up if you'd urped up an automatic no.
Like most WASP kids in the 1970s I grew up in a community culture where caution and security were valued over adventure and exploration. Boys were told to major in Business if they were college-bound or learn auto mechanics if they weren't . We girls - you knew this was coming - were advised to get a guy to agree to marry us, whether he was blue-collar (fawn over his tricked-out car) or white-collar (pretend to be fascinated by his intellectual pronouncements). I felt like a terrible fake when I used this advice on dates. I was saying no not only to my real self but also to the real guys I was with.
I'm sure there were good reasons for cultivating security at all costs, even as there are good reasons why many of us still choose certainty over adventure and growth today. Yeah But thrives during hard economic times. We're all cautioned against giving up the Sure Thing job for the uncertain business venture, investing too much time in artistic projects or taking any vacation time (forget the Great European Adventure!) lest the boss notice our lack of dedication.
However, looking back, I can see that if I'd chosen roads that were less safe but felt more true to myself, I might actually have gotten farther down my chosen path, whatever that path may have turned out to be. Many of the now-acknowledged geniuses of our time such as Steve Jobs and Bill Gates didn't become legends by playing it safe. As far as I can tell, no one ever achieved ground-breaking success by following the path dictated by the conventional wisdom of the moment.
The spirit of Yes And grabbed me because it embraces a multitude of possibilities, including seemingly conflicting options, rather than automatically excluding anything that doesn't fall within our personal range of experience. Only by inviting in conflict and examining the unknown can we find possible solutions to seemingly intractable dilemmas. As the saying attributed to Einstein goes, you can't solve problems by using the thinking that created them.
I still have to remind myself to slip into Yes And mode when I'm stymied by a problem or discouraged by my lack of progress on a project. However, when Yeah But wraps its arms around my neck and cuts off my breath, it's amazing how quickly I remember.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
A Student Again: Grownups, It's Your Turn in the Sandbox
Today upon entering and leaving the reception room at Beacock's, I noticed the usual Saturday morning activity - kids tuning guitars, kids humming, kids leafing through sheet music and kids bouncing around, eagerly anticipating either the upcoming class or lesson, or the day in general. Even the kids who seemed shy wore little smiles. They all looked joyful.
I also noticed the parents. No, the moms. All the waiting parents in the little room upstairs today were moms. I noticed them because they provided such a contrast to the bouncing kids. One woman was listlessly paging through a magazine. Another was frowning while she fiddled with her phone. The third woman was merely pressing fingers to forehead as if to ward off a headache. No joy here.
Maybe the adults looked soggy because they all had weighty problems on their minds or were worried about something. Maybe. However, I think it's more likely that each mom, in the deep recesses of whatever part of the mind harbors secrets, was thinking I'm always waiting around while my kids have all the fun.
Back in the early '90s when I started raising kids, the parenting style I call Fertilizer Mom was becoming the cultural norm. If you had kids, you were expected to give up everything that until then had made you a complete (and interesting) person, and make a career out of being A Mom. Your job was to be the fertilizer that helped everyone else grow. The "lucky" women were married to men who could support an at-home wife, who then dedicated herself to her children's success. However, even the women who needed to stay in the workplace arranged all their non-work waking hours around kids. This was the era when SUVs started to display vanity plates that read "Mom-mobile" and school gave awards to parents who spent 40 hours per week camped out in the volunteer center.
My mom was "at home" full time during the 1960s but even she would never have dreamed of doing some of the things that came to be routinely expected of mothers in the '90s. One of those expectations was that you'd drop any activity that wasn't directly related to your kids, their schools, sports teams and other activities.
I had one friend during this time, an aspiring writer, who wouldn't even give herself permission to attend the monthly writers' group To which I belonged. The meeting was only three hours a month, yet she felt she'd be "cheating" (her word) the husband and kids if she went. Not surprisingly she plunged into a major depression two years later.
Thankfully things are changing - it seems like the pendulum always has to swing between extremes before it arrives in the middle - and now it's OK to be a mom and a real person simultaneously. Many of today's new moms seem to be happily doing their own thing as well as cheering their kids on. But maybe some of them still need reassurance: your own growth isn't going to take anything away from your kids. In fact, the stronger you are as a whole person, the stronger your kids are likely to become.
Maybe some of the wilted women I saw today would like to have music lessons themselves. Or art classes or band or a soccer team of their own. Maybe then they'd be just as joyful on Saturday mornings as their offspring.
There's an idea: classes for parents held during the times that they're waiting for kids. That way, no one has to feel left out.
I also noticed the parents. No, the moms. All the waiting parents in the little room upstairs today were moms. I noticed them because they provided such a contrast to the bouncing kids. One woman was listlessly paging through a magazine. Another was frowning while she fiddled with her phone. The third woman was merely pressing fingers to forehead as if to ward off a headache. No joy here.
Maybe the adults looked soggy because they all had weighty problems on their minds or were worried about something. Maybe. However, I think it's more likely that each mom, in the deep recesses of whatever part of the mind harbors secrets, was thinking I'm always waiting around while my kids have all the fun.
Back in the early '90s when I started raising kids, the parenting style I call Fertilizer Mom was becoming the cultural norm. If you had kids, you were expected to give up everything that until then had made you a complete (and interesting) person, and make a career out of being A Mom. Your job was to be the fertilizer that helped everyone else grow. The "lucky" women were married to men who could support an at-home wife, who then dedicated herself to her children's success. However, even the women who needed to stay in the workplace arranged all their non-work waking hours around kids. This was the era when SUVs started to display vanity plates that read "Mom-mobile" and school gave awards to parents who spent 40 hours per week camped out in the volunteer center.
My mom was "at home" full time during the 1960s but even she would never have dreamed of doing some of the things that came to be routinely expected of mothers in the '90s. One of those expectations was that you'd drop any activity that wasn't directly related to your kids, their schools, sports teams and other activities.
I had one friend during this time, an aspiring writer, who wouldn't even give herself permission to attend the monthly writers' group To which I belonged. The meeting was only three hours a month, yet she felt she'd be "cheating" (her word) the husband and kids if she went. Not surprisingly she plunged into a major depression two years later.
Thankfully things are changing - it seems like the pendulum always has to swing between extremes before it arrives in the middle - and now it's OK to be a mom and a real person simultaneously. Many of today's new moms seem to be happily doing their own thing as well as cheering their kids on. But maybe some of them still need reassurance: your own growth isn't going to take anything away from your kids. In fact, the stronger you are as a whole person, the stronger your kids are likely to become.
Maybe some of the wilted women I saw today would like to have music lessons themselves. Or art classes or band or a soccer team of their own. Maybe then they'd be just as joyful on Saturday mornings as their offspring.
There's an idea: classes for parents held during the times that they're waiting for kids. That way, no one has to feel left out.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
A Student Again - Kicked Out of the Comfort Zone
Good teachers in any field have one thing in common: they don't let you rest for long. I've been continually rediscovering this since my first class nearly six months ago.
When I signed up I already felt like a beginner even though I've been playing and singing something, with one group or another, since high school. However, I'd gotten into a rut. During my more truthful moments I realized I was bored. That's why I deliberately chose an instructor who works outside of "my" genre. I'm used to what could be loosely called classical; she does jazz.
When I signed up, I knew I wanted to learn a few new skills such as working by ear (as opposed to reading music) and improvising harmony lines on the spot. I suspected it would take much work on my part, and I was right. In addition to these musicianship skills, however, my instructor has also been gradually prodding me towards solo work, whether by myself or against a background of other instruments.
This, for me, has been the most challenging aspect of being a student again - having to get out - wa-a-ay out - in the spotlight. Whether playing in an ensemble or singing in a choir, the point is to blend in, not stand out. In addition, for most of my musical life I've been living in what I call the Alto Ghetto, where much of the material is underwhelming, such as 3-note drone lines for wind instruments or do-wop choruses designed to set off showy Soprano solos. The supporting cast is necessary but being there on a long term basis can make you either complacent or catatonic.
For now I'm just getting used to the idea. Eventually I'll have to make the leap. I expect it will be much like diving into a mountain lake: thinking about it is more excruciating than actually doing it, and the water turns out to be just fine.
This is perhaps the greatest value in studying under a good teacher. Being kicked out of the comfort zone is momentarily disorienting. There may be a few embarrassing moments at first. But it's the only way to arrive at the next level.
When I signed up I already felt like a beginner even though I've been playing and singing something, with one group or another, since high school. However, I'd gotten into a rut. During my more truthful moments I realized I was bored. That's why I deliberately chose an instructor who works outside of "my" genre. I'm used to what could be loosely called classical; she does jazz.
When I signed up, I knew I wanted to learn a few new skills such as working by ear (as opposed to reading music) and improvising harmony lines on the spot. I suspected it would take much work on my part, and I was right. In addition to these musicianship skills, however, my instructor has also been gradually prodding me towards solo work, whether by myself or against a background of other instruments.
This, for me, has been the most challenging aspect of being a student again - having to get out - wa-a-ay out - in the spotlight. Whether playing in an ensemble or singing in a choir, the point is to blend in, not stand out. In addition, for most of my musical life I've been living in what I call the Alto Ghetto, where much of the material is underwhelming, such as 3-note drone lines for wind instruments or do-wop choruses designed to set off showy Soprano solos. The supporting cast is necessary but being there on a long term basis can make you either complacent or catatonic.
For now I'm just getting used to the idea. Eventually I'll have to make the leap. I expect it will be much like diving into a mountain lake: thinking about it is more excruciating than actually doing it, and the water turns out to be just fine.
This is perhaps the greatest value in studying under a good teacher. Being kicked out of the comfort zone is momentarily disorienting. There may be a few embarrassing moments at first. But it's the only way to arrive at the next level.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Looks Can Deceive
I saw a cartoon on a bulletin board depicting a boss leaning over into his subordinate's cubicle and saying, "I see you're smiling. Does that mean that your work load isn't totally crushing?" It seems funny but in fact some workplaces have a culture that regards signs of enjoyment with suspicion. If you're having fun, it can't be work, and work is what you're here for, right?
Appearances are sometimes regarded as more important than actual accomplishments. One sign of an extremely appearance-oriented workplace is the "look busy" rule. The funny thing is that sometimes the act of looking busy diverts people from real work.
I've experienced this at various jobs. Years ago I took a zen meditation/mindfulness workshop. One of the exercises we were given required that we pause for a moment every hour (on the hour, if possible), take a few slow breaths and remind ourselves "Be here now." I tried this at work the next day. As I paused at a workroom counter for a moment, a supervisor came running up and anxiously inquired whether I was looking for something to do. I'd stopped for less than 15 seconds and she was already nervous!
"Look busy" is especially pervasive in a stagnant economy, when the people who run workplaces feel pressure to justify every penny spent on staff. So how can you stay productive and sane during those times?
Keeping track of your accomplishments helps; you'll have evidence of your own productivity. If you're able to prove that you can do what needs to be done without rushing around, your supervisor may eventually realize that maybe appearances aren't everything.
I've also found that once I'd been practicing mindfulness for awhile, it became easier to keep a certain detachment even while doing busywork. It grew easier to actually do the "look busy" stuff without feeling frantic.
You might not be able to change the outward situation much, but in a pinch you might be surprised at how quickly you can change your inner picture.
Appearances are sometimes regarded as more important than actual accomplishments. One sign of an extremely appearance-oriented workplace is the "look busy" rule. The funny thing is that sometimes the act of looking busy diverts people from real work.
I've experienced this at various jobs. Years ago I took a zen meditation/mindfulness workshop. One of the exercises we were given required that we pause for a moment every hour (on the hour, if possible), take a few slow breaths and remind ourselves "Be here now." I tried this at work the next day. As I paused at a workroom counter for a moment, a supervisor came running up and anxiously inquired whether I was looking for something to do. I'd stopped for less than 15 seconds and she was already nervous!
"Look busy" is especially pervasive in a stagnant economy, when the people who run workplaces feel pressure to justify every penny spent on staff. So how can you stay productive and sane during those times?
Keeping track of your accomplishments helps; you'll have evidence of your own productivity. If you're able to prove that you can do what needs to be done without rushing around, your supervisor may eventually realize that maybe appearances aren't everything.
I've also found that once I'd been practicing mindfulness for awhile, it became easier to keep a certain detachment even while doing busywork. It grew easier to actually do the "look busy" stuff without feeling frantic.
You might not be able to change the outward situation much, but in a pinch you might be surprised at how quickly you can change your inner picture.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Banishing Boredom
It sometimes seems like my own life goes through periodic themes - maybe yours does too. When this happens, a certain topic or problem pops up again and again via discussions with friends, books that fall off library shelves and land at my feet, items in the news and other things. Recently I've been hearing from a variety of people about boredom at work. This isn't surprising, given that a stagnant economy has kept people locked in jobs for several years.
For most of the people who've mentioned boredom to me, including a few practice clients from my life coaching course, there's no place else to go. Therefore, they must learn how to stay reasonably sane in a job they've outgrown long ago. They're looking for ideas.
At various times in my working life I've tried these possibilities:
For most of the people who've mentioned boredom to me, including a few practice clients from my life coaching course, there's no place else to go. Therefore, they must learn how to stay reasonably sane in a job they've outgrown long ago. They're looking for ideas.
At various times in my working life I've tried these possibilities:
- Using a workday as an all-day mindfulness practice lab. Trying to stay in the moment and be acutely aware of what's going on around you and what people need is incredibly challenging.
- This idea came from Pronoia: How the Universe is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. Act as if your current job is your dream job. This doesn't mean giving up on finding something more suited to your abilities, it means acting in a way that brings those abilities forward. It really does work.
- Come up with projects you could propose to your supervisor if you have the freedom to make suggestions and take on new roles. If you don't, think of some private goals that only you need to know about.
- Make workplace friendships. This will give you something to look forward to on work days.
- Take all your allotted breaks, and make lunch break special. Meet your spouse or partner for lunch if you have enough time, take your sketchbook to a park and draw, plan your next big project...whatever turns lunch into a mini-vacation for you.
- Give special attention to your after-hours arts or creativity practice, personal goals and meaningful (for you) activities. You need these more than ever during stagnant times.
- Finally, keep your resume up to date and ready to send. Keep watching craigslist, Monster.com or any other sources you use. Make certain that if the perfect-sounding (or at least more challenging) position shows up, you're ready.
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